Saturday, December 12, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
How to deal with conflict as Christians?
One of the hardest realities about being a Christian is having to deal with conflict with other believers. You are supposed to be on the same team, every one is supposed to be playing with the same rule book (the Bible), and yet we still have to deal with conflict. Sometimes this conflict can be really hurtful too. How is it that followers of Christ can get into such awful conflicts with one another?
I'm sure there are many philosophical or meditative ways to answer this question. But at the end of the day that doesn't help you when you are in a conflict situation. How do you deal with the other person? How should you communicate? How can you be "angry and yet not sin?" If two Christian parties both believe they are right and the Lord is on their side, whose side is the Lord on? These are the questions that have no easy answers in a conflict situation.
I have had my share and hurt some people grievously in the past as a result of my sin and immaturity in the way I handled conflict; but part of me likes to believe I've grown since then.
For me therefore, a present conflict Kathleen and I are having with someone, is a test. Have I learned from past mistakes? Will I be more honoring to Christ in how I handle this conflict as opposed to how I handled previous ones? Here are a few things I've learned over the years in dealing with conflict:
1. Deal with conflict
This may seem redundant but one thing I've seen myself do is that when I have a conflict with someone I don't deal with it. Instead, I stuff it down and try to get over it. Only, if you feel you've been wronged by someone, you can't just "get over it." And any ensuing interaction you have with that person is only likely to increase your sense of hurt, and therefore, your anger towards that person. It is much better to deal with conflict when it does come rather than trying to be "spiritual," by avoiding it. Jesus didn't avoid it, he often stepped right into it, to the point people wanted to stone him.
2. Deal with conflict personally
The second mistake I've seen people make, and that I've made myself, is that they attempt to deal with conflict indirectly through email, or by gossiping to others, rather than to the person they have a conflict with. Never write anything down. That's a lesson I learned too late. If you are angry at someone and feel they have wronged you or hurt you, do not, out of anger, write an email or letter to them explaining all the ways they have hurt you and how awful a person they are. You are far more likely to say things you don't mean or to say things too strongly that you would not say to someone were you to speak to them directly.
To resolve conflict meet with the person one-on-one, if necessary bring along an agreed upon mediator, and talk through the issues. If that option is not possible or not necessary, then at the very least use the telephone and call that person. Email, text messaging, letter writing, should never be used to resolve a conflict, they almost always will only exacerbate the problem.
3. Deal with conflict graciously
Remember, if you are a Christian you have been saved by grace. Before going to someone to tell them everything that is wrong with them or before venting to someone about how angry you are at another person, read Scripture like Romans 5 or Ephesians 2 that reminds us of who we were before God saved us, so that our anger may be tempered by humility. As we recognize how much we did to hurt God and to offend Him, and yet how much He was willing to go through to reconcile us to Himself, it will help us extend grace even to the most difficult kinds of people. Never forget the parable of the unmerciful servant in dealing with conflict.
4. Deal with conflict communally
When you are having a significant conflict with another person, seek advice and counsel from godly men and women whom you trust. Don't go asking your three-times divorced sister or your violent and ill-tempered dad about what to do in the situation-go to your pastor, visit a Christian counselor, speak to an elder at your church or someone who has a reputation as a peace-maker and see what they advise you to do in the situation. Never make decisions about resolving a conflict with someone in a vacuum, and never rely on your own judgment. That is what Proverbs calls folly.
5. Deal with conflict prayerfully
You'd be amazed how much peace can come by spending some time in prayer. Do not be afraid to tell the Lord how you honestly feel. He may discipline you as His child if there are feelings you have that are not righteous, but He wants you to feel completely open to talk to Him about how you feel about this situation and to ask for His help in resolving it peacefully. It will also remind you that all sin is ultimately a sin against God and no matter how angry you are at someone, you still must obey and honor the Lord by treating that person as God would treat them. We have access to the Lord of the universe who knows everything about reconciliation. We would be fools not to take advantage of His audience.
These are my thoughts and the steps I am trying to take in dealing with the present conflict Kathleen and I have. I hope it helps you as you face conflict in a broken world.
Blessings in Christ,
Jonathan
I'm sure there are many philosophical or meditative ways to answer this question. But at the end of the day that doesn't help you when you are in a conflict situation. How do you deal with the other person? How should you communicate? How can you be "angry and yet not sin?" If two Christian parties both believe they are right and the Lord is on their side, whose side is the Lord on? These are the questions that have no easy answers in a conflict situation.
I have had my share and hurt some people grievously in the past as a result of my sin and immaturity in the way I handled conflict; but part of me likes to believe I've grown since then.
For me therefore, a present conflict Kathleen and I are having with someone, is a test. Have I learned from past mistakes? Will I be more honoring to Christ in how I handle this conflict as opposed to how I handled previous ones? Here are a few things I've learned over the years in dealing with conflict:
1. Deal with conflict
This may seem redundant but one thing I've seen myself do is that when I have a conflict with someone I don't deal with it. Instead, I stuff it down and try to get over it. Only, if you feel you've been wronged by someone, you can't just "get over it." And any ensuing interaction you have with that person is only likely to increase your sense of hurt, and therefore, your anger towards that person. It is much better to deal with conflict when it does come rather than trying to be "spiritual," by avoiding it. Jesus didn't avoid it, he often stepped right into it, to the point people wanted to stone him.
2. Deal with conflict personally
The second mistake I've seen people make, and that I've made myself, is that they attempt to deal with conflict indirectly through email, or by gossiping to others, rather than to the person they have a conflict with. Never write anything down. That's a lesson I learned too late. If you are angry at someone and feel they have wronged you or hurt you, do not, out of anger, write an email or letter to them explaining all the ways they have hurt you and how awful a person they are. You are far more likely to say things you don't mean or to say things too strongly that you would not say to someone were you to speak to them directly.
To resolve conflict meet with the person one-on-one, if necessary bring along an agreed upon mediator, and talk through the issues. If that option is not possible or not necessary, then at the very least use the telephone and call that person. Email, text messaging, letter writing, should never be used to resolve a conflict, they almost always will only exacerbate the problem.
3. Deal with conflict graciously
Remember, if you are a Christian you have been saved by grace. Before going to someone to tell them everything that is wrong with them or before venting to someone about how angry you are at another person, read Scripture like Romans 5 or Ephesians 2 that reminds us of who we were before God saved us, so that our anger may be tempered by humility. As we recognize how much we did to hurt God and to offend Him, and yet how much He was willing to go through to reconcile us to Himself, it will help us extend grace even to the most difficult kinds of people. Never forget the parable of the unmerciful servant in dealing with conflict.
4. Deal with conflict communally
When you are having a significant conflict with another person, seek advice and counsel from godly men and women whom you trust. Don't go asking your three-times divorced sister or your violent and ill-tempered dad about what to do in the situation-go to your pastor, visit a Christian counselor, speak to an elder at your church or someone who has a reputation as a peace-maker and see what they advise you to do in the situation. Never make decisions about resolving a conflict with someone in a vacuum, and never rely on your own judgment. That is what Proverbs calls folly.
5. Deal with conflict prayerfully
You'd be amazed how much peace can come by spending some time in prayer. Do not be afraid to tell the Lord how you honestly feel. He may discipline you as His child if there are feelings you have that are not righteous, but He wants you to feel completely open to talk to Him about how you feel about this situation and to ask for His help in resolving it peacefully. It will also remind you that all sin is ultimately a sin against God and no matter how angry you are at someone, you still must obey and honor the Lord by treating that person as God would treat them. We have access to the Lord of the universe who knows everything about reconciliation. We would be fools not to take advantage of His audience.
These are my thoughts and the steps I am trying to take in dealing with the present conflict Kathleen and I have. I hope it helps you as you face conflict in a broken world.
Blessings in Christ,
Jonathan
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